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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29033466">Secrets I have held in my heart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTurksPajamas/pseuds/TheTurksPajamas'>TheTurksPajamas</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Compilation of Final Fantasy VII</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>5+1 Things, Alcohol, Blood and Injury, Canon-Typical Violence, Explicit Language, Hangover, M/M, Major Character Injury, Non-Explicit Sex, Renos POV, See summary, Smoking, Someone gets something in their eye, hand holding</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:40:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,054</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29033466</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTurksPajamas/pseuds/TheTurksPajamas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>5 times Reno held back his thoughts and 1 he didn’t, with one small bonus at the end</p>
<p>Basically, just Reno pining. A handful of moments over the course of their partnership where he kept his thoughts to himself for once. I may add a short chapter 2 with Rude's side of these events as well, because I think it would be interesting to see both sides.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Reno/Rude (Compilation of FFVII)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>63</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Are harder to hide than I thought</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Mild eye stuff in part 1<br/>Non-detailed vomit in part 3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>
    <em>~1~</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>It’s shortly after lunch as the new partners finally get to stop to eat between investigations. They’re still getting used to each other’s constant company, but largely getting along save for the odd squabble or annoyance. Their styles play off each other well, and while they may be a bit unorthodox, their success rate is high, and only improving over time.</p>
<p>There are… feelings… on Reno’s part beyond just what is entailed in their shared career. Desires that have so far been unaddressed, aside from his internal musings and the private ways he curbs the physical appetites he feels towards his partner. Though, slowly, he’s become aware that it’s not all just physical. And that’s not something that he’s used to.</p>
<p>Reno is trying. He’d come to the conclusion that he didn’t want Rude to push him away now that they were comfortable with each other, and that he would wait and see. See if he showed any interest, or otherwise. So, for now… they work. Just as they have up to this point.</p>
<p>They’re underplate, waiting on their food order when a stiff autumn breeze rolls down the street. The gusts could get strong, funneled under the ‘pizza’. It musses Reno’s lapel and he adjusts it appropriately open, then hears Rude grunt in discomfort from his seat on a nearby bench. He takes off his shades and rubs at his eye. “Oh, ffsh-shit. Ahh…”</p>
<p>Reno looks at him and raises a brow. “What?”</p>
<p>“Something in my eye… fuck.”</p>
<p>“You need help?” Reno takes a couple steps closer but Rude waves his free hand dismissively.</p>
<p>“No, I… I think I… ngh…”</p>
<p>“Come on, I promise I won’t poke your eye out or somethin’. Stop rubbin’ it! You’re gonna make it worse.”</p>
<p>“Your hands are probably filthy.”</p>
<p>“So is whatever the fuck is in your eye! Don’t be a baby and lemme see!”</p>
<p>“Gaaah…”</p>
<p>Reno moves in, balancing with a knee on the bench to Rude’s side. Rude relents, dropping his hands but holding them up at the ready. Reno holds Rude’s lids open and he grumbles, moving his hands nervously to Reno’s waist, tensed and holding him steady while Reno is distracted with his work, trying to find the offending particle. “Where’s it hurt?”</p>
<p>“Uhhh, the bottom somewhere. It keeps moving.”</p>
<p>“Mmmm, look left. Now right. Up? Ah! Found it. Don’t. Move.”</p>
<p>“Nnnnng.” Despite Rude’s whines, he is perfectly still while Reno carefully fishes out a stray eyelash that must’ve dislodged itself in the wind.</p>
<p>“Got it.” Rude blinks hard and Reno holds his finger out in front of him to show the culprit. “It’s ‘cus you have too many fuckin’ eyelashes.”</p>
<p>Rude looks from the eyelash up to his partner’s face and Reno is momentarily dazed. His breath hitches and he finds himself just staring at Rude’s eyes and Rude is staring back and it’s like his gaze is a whirlpool pulling him in. A vortex of hazel warmth and lashes that any cover model would maim for. Reno has seen Rude without his shades before, but not this close. The full effect is… a lot. He feels like he’s in a trance until, suddenly, their order number is called, and it makes Reno realize that he’s perched over Rude, inches from his face and staring him in the eyes.</p>
<p>And Rude’s hands are on his waist.</p>
<p>Reno suddenly releases the breath he had been holding and steps back shaking his head. Rude laughs softly as he slips his sunglasses back on. “You’re one to talk.”</p>
<p>Reno’s mind frantically screams. ‘<em>Your eyes are fuckin’ </em>gorgeous<em>. Why the </em>Hell<em> do you wear shades all day?! What the shit?! Am I blushing? </em>Me<em>?! What the </em>fuck<em> are you doin’ to me?</em>’</p>
<p>His mouth says much less. “Uh, y-yeah. I guess so. Whatever.”</p>
<p>“Thank you, though.”</p>
<p>Reno turns away to hide the probably obvious heat in his face. “Don’t mention it. I’ll, uh, get our food. Wait here.”</p>
<p>He walks away before Rude has a chance to respond, rubbing at his cheeks and wondering if it’ll be the eyes or the hands that haunt his dreams next.</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>~2~</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>It was a long and frustrating day culminating in a topside brawl in a building unfortunately equipped with emergency sprinklers. Meaning that shortly after guns started going off, the sprinklers activated, soaking the two partners and most everyone inside. They got out with only minor injuries, bumps and bruises. By the time they are finished with cleanup, it’s dusk. Rude is finishing up inside as Reno steps out sans jacket and in bare feet, smoking as he tries to let his clothes dry in the warm evening air. He takes a long drag, watching the sun as it disappears over the horizon in a wave of pink, orange and purple, muted by the smog of the city.</p>
<p>Rude exits the building behind Reno and joins him on the concrete walkway, slinging his own jacket over the railing and shucking his boots. Despite the waning brilliance of the sky, they are mostly in shadow, save for the ember that is the business end of Reno’s cigarette. As Rude finishes rolling his sleeves up to his elbows, Reno pops a cigarette up from the package and extends it to Rude who takes it and slips it between his lips. “You got a light? My matches got soaked.”</p>
<p>Reno shakes his head. Whether Rude can see it, he’s not sure. “Mine too. Found ‘em on of the lookouts. Only had one match though. Here.”</p>
<p>Reno turns towards him and leans in, holding his cig steady so that Rude can do the same and catch the ember. The miniscule flare illuminates the planes of Rude’s face for a bare couple moments, but Reno commits it to memory. Rude’s cheeks sink in slightly as he inhales and it accentuates his jawline and cheekbones, and the light plays over his lips pursed around the cigarette. The back of his hand and it’s long, deft fingers.</p>
<p>Reno pulls the cig away from his lips and blurts out that he’s really fuckin’ handsome, but that doesn’t seem to do him justice. Seems insufficient. Beautiful? Stunning?</p>
<p>Reno’s gotten more used to it over the years, but it doesn’t keep his chest from aching. And Gods… the things Reno wants to do with him. He can only imagine what I would be like. Those hands on him. How his skin must taste. Definitely <em>can’t</em> imagine that Rude would ever say yes.</p>
<p>He looks like a goddamned piece of art. Like he’s chiseled out of stone. Nothing out of place even after the fight, and the water. Not that he had a hair to put out of place anyway. Reno hadn’t been in front of a reflective surface since much earlier, but he knew he most likely looked like a drowned rat. He raked a hand through his still damp hair and pushed it back.</p>
<p>Rude steps back and looks out toward the setting sun. His profile is cast in shadow before the backdrop of the sky. Reno wants to run the tip of his finger down the angles of it. His brow, his nose, lips. Wants to trail kisses down after. One more statement he never thought he’d hear himself think. All this tender, sweet shit that he’s never thought about anyone. ‘<em>How d’ you make me feel so strong and so weak at the same time?</em>’</p>
<p>One day, he’ll have to figure out an innocuous way to tell him how amazing he is.</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>~3~</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Reno wakes with a start, stomach roiling. He turns to make a hasty escape and rolls off Rude’s sectional on to his hands and knees, which really only makes it worse. His shin makes contact with the glass coffee table as he staggers, and he’s not sure which has the higher probability of being broken based on how hard he hit it. The sound it makes reverberates like a bell, and he almost falls over it which makes him vaguely aware of Rude waking due to the sound, moving up to an elbow and watching him wobble by.</p>
<p>By some miracle, he makes it. His stomach vacates itself into the privy and the drinks burn even more than they did the night before. By the time he’s finished Rude is standing to his side, respectfully quiet and calm, hand on Reno’s back continuously stroking the expanse between his shoulder blades and his waist. It’s somehow tranquil and tender, given the setting and situation. Just comfort and understanding.</p>
<p>It’s so calming, and Reno is frozen, hands on knees over the toilet, attempting to focus only on the gentle pressure moving over his back and the rhythmic nature of it helps. Arm slack, he swipes at the flusher and turns to plant his ass on the side of the tub, realizing with the gentlest tug at his scalp that Rude had been holding the longer part of his hair out of the way… Standing there in patient silence, having to listen to Reno heave in Rude’s own apartment and holding his hair, he could almost fool himself into believing that maybe Rude did feel something for him. Almost.</p>
<p>‘<em>Don’t be stupid. He’s only in here because he’s a good person. Not to mention, this is his apartment. If you keel over and die in his bathroom it’d cause some big fuckin’ issues</em>.’</p>
<p>Reno shakily exhales and tears off a piece of tissue to wipe his mouth. Rude crouches down in front of him, expression mildly concerned but calm. “You good?”</p>
<p>“Yeah jus’… hot. Think I’m done for now.”</p>
<p>“Don’t move.” Rude stands again and gets a small towel, running it under the tap and wringing it damp.</p>
<p><em>Damn</em>, he feels like <em>shit</em>. His body aches like he has a fever and he’s <em>so fuckin’</em> tired. What time is it anyway? Before he can muster the fortitude to ask, Rude presses the folded towel to his forehead and his temples. It’s cool and soothing, and it feels so good on his sweat damp skin. Reno’s eyes flutter closed as the towel pats around his face, feels it pass over his cheeks and tickle against his eyelashes and he sighs.</p>
<p>“Shit… Didn’t even drink that much. I mean, I was drunk. But not <em>that</em> drunk.”</p>
<p>Rude re-folds and moves the cool cloth under Reno’s jaw and down his neck, wordlessly prompting his head to tilt back. Reno opens his eyes and Rude’s lips are set straight in a line. He releases a sigh of unease. “Not your fault. Some people just can’t do tequila. Sorry. I should have slowed you down.”</p>
<p>“S’ cute that you think I woulda listened. Don’t let the guilt keep you up at night.”</p>
<p>Rude’s frown turned into a smirk. “Yeah, I know.”</p>
<p>Reno’s mind is almost as tumultuous than his stomach. He tells himself <em>'You don't love him, you're just infatuated with him because he's nice to you, dummy. You don’t even know what love is. Get your shit together. But… damnit. You make me feel so… calm. Safe. I… I kind of wish you wouldn’t. I dunno what to do with that.’</em></p>
<p>He must have looked pretty out of it, because Rude started to look concerned again. “Do you want to lay down in the bed? I don’t mind.”</p>
<p>As much as Reno wanted to jump at the chance to lay in that bed and be surrounded by ‘<em>Everything Rude</em>’, he didn’t think he could handle all of that right now. The initial nervousness of being there might make him have to hurl again, and if he was going to end up in that bed, he’d be damned sure he’d be well enough to enjoy it. Not to mention, he wasn’t sure he could do it without getting hard. That’d be hard to explain. And besides…</p>
<p>“No. If I’m gonna vom, I’d rather accidentally do it on your couch than your bed.” … Because wouldn’t that be one whole Hell of a mood killer.</p>
<p>Rude laughs in a burst. “That’s fair. Try and keep it contained to the bathroom if you can help it?”</p>
<p>He stands to leave and Reno does the same, stopping to stick his mouth under the faucet to gurgle before moving back towards the livingroom. Rude emerges from the bedroom with a pillow and a blanket and lays them on the sectional opposite the TV. “Do you want the TV on?”</p>
<p>“Sure.” Reno shuffles over, feeling boneless as he lays down on his side and Rude pulls the blanket over him. It still smells like him, but at least he’s not in the bed. Just a taste of it. This side of the sectional is plenty long enough, so Rude sits on the other end. Reno has gone from being hot to cold, and even under the blanket his toes in particular can’t seem to get warm, so he stretches out to stick them under Rude’s thigh.</p>
<p>He raises an eyebrow. “You want me to move?”</p>
<p>“No. S’ warm. But I might fall asleep again.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay. Sleep. If you feel up to it when you wake up, I’ll heat up some bone broth or something.”</p>
<p>“…M’kay…”</p>
<p>He was well on his way back to sleep, in that comfortable in-and-out twilight right before deep sleep, but he could have sworn he felt the gentle pressure of one large hand on his leg over the blanket. Protective. Comforting. Must’ve been another dream.</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>~4~</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>It’s a quiet night in the dive they usually go to play pool after work. There’re only a few other people in the place so Reno is able to convince the keep to let him control the stereo. He opts for some bluesy garage stuff with swanky beats that wouldn’t be too <em>offensive</em> to the other clientele and sounds good to the ears. They’d hung up their jackets and Reno snuck an extra button of his dress shirt open while Rude secured them some felt.</p>
<p>And now here they are, halfway through a ‘looser buys shots’ game and Reno is winning. Not to mention that they’ve both started on some beer, so he’s in a pretty good mood. He shimmies a bit to the music between turns and drinks, just a slight rhythmic sway of his hips and shoulders. Kind of maybe hoping that it’ll make Rude loose his concentration. Reno doesn’t think it’s working. Rude is also in a good mood, but he’s largely stoney faced as usual aside from the occasional smirk or chuckle in response to their banter or a poor shot.</p>
<p>Reno knows that he can be distracting, for one reason or another. Even now, there’s at least one other person in the place who’s been getting an eyeful. If only he could get Rude to pay that much attention. He doesn’t seem to notice these things. If he does, he pretends he doesn’t.</p>
<p>Reno leans on his cue and watches as Rude inspects the table and sets up his own. The lyrics in this particular song are full of yearning, craving for another and not being able to pry yourself away. It hits a little close to home. As Rude leans down towards the felt, his shades slide down slightly and Reno can see the set of his brow, the concentration in his eyes. His gaze drops further still to the shape of his graceful fingers as the cue rests between them.</p>
<p>‘<em>You could just tell him. Hell, you wouldn’t even have to. Tell him to listen to the lyrics. If he figures it out, great. If not… whatever</em>.’</p>
<p>The crack of the billiards as Rude sinks his 3 bolts Reno from his reverie and he straightens with a shake of his head. “Fuck. I’m getting’ more beer. You want?”</p>
<p>“Getting cold feet now that I’m catching up?”</p>
<p>“Nah, I’m on fire. <em>You’ll</em> need more fluids for when I smoke you.”</p>
<p>Reno turns away just in time to see Rude grin as he tries to figure where to make his next move. “We’ll see.”</p>
<p>He makes his way back to the bar, signaling the keep and holding up two fingers. He leans against the counter as he waits, and a strange non-Rude presence comes up from his right flank and plants their ass on the stool next to him and an elbow on the bar. He has his left leg straight, heel on the floor, not closing Reno in completely but still intimately close. Not the body language of a man asking for directions or a friendly game of pool.</p>
<p>“You seem like you’re trying to get someone’s attention.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, maybe.” Reno turns his back on the bar and leans back on his elbows. As he suspected, it’s the guy that had been ogling him on-and-off since they arrived. Reno looks over towards their table and Rude looks away. Maybe ‘cus it’s Reno’s turn already? The guy follows Reno’s eyes and stands blocking his view, keeping his hand on the bar to maintain his proximity.</p>
<p>“Your man over there not giving it to you? Or is he not picking up what you’re putting down?”</p>
<p>‘<em>HA, You got a pen and about 20 minutes? ‘Cus those are loaded questions</em>.’</p>
<p>“He’s not my man. Not like that, yo.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, sure. Need someone to show you a good time then?” As he speaks, he stops leaning on the counter and his fingertips trail from Reno’s elbow to his wrist. “You seem like you’d be a Hell-cat in the sack.”</p>
<p>Reno glances up again at the guy, and he’s not unattractive. Maybe 4 inches taller than himself, moderately beefy, alright face, smells good. Another night, Reno might have said yes. Two glasses land heavily behind him signaling their arrival, but the guy continues on, apparently taking Reno’s silence as genuine consideration. He slips his fingertip to the back of Reno’s hand and under the hem of his cuff.</p>
<p>“Besides, he doesn’t look like much fun. Bet I could make you purr better anyway.”</p>
<p>Reno straightens and rolls his wrist to snatch said finger, pressing it up towards the wrist and using his thumb to accentuate the angle. He’s gentle. Just a small warning, when he could have easily broken it. But if he did, they’d probably get kicked out, and they wouldn’t be able to finish their game. The guy jumps slightly and swallows a yelp. “Scary. But I’m still in if you like it rough.”</p>
<p>“I was thinkin’ about how I could nicely tell you to fuck off, but you made it easy. Shit talkin’ that mo’ai is not the way to get me hot.”</p>
<p>Reno releases his hand with a flick and turns to grab the drinks. He steps closer to slide away from the bar. “Sorry, slick.”</p>
<p>Slick raises an eyebrow and shrugs. “Your loss, babe.”</p>
<p>Reno rolls his eyes so hard he almost loses balance on his way back to the table. Rude looks up from chalking his cue as he approaches, and accepts the frosty beverage offered to him. “Don’t let me keep you.”</p>
<p>Reno picks up his cue again and looks up at him sidelong. “I’m good.”</p>
<p>“You sure? Looks like he’s about to jet. You might be able to catch him.”</p>
<p>“<em>Not</em> interested.” Reno flips his ponytail over his shoulder, attempting nonchalance as he bends to set up a shot. His mind fills in the blanks in his retort, but again, they don’t make it to his mouth. ‘<em>I’d honestly rather… just play pool with you than leave with that chode. Even if nothing happens and I just go home and jerk-off… that’s okay. I wanna be here</em>.’</p>
<p>He can hear a hum of amusement from Rude, and a smile in his voice as he speaks. “It’s not a big deal if you’ve got whiskey dick. Happens to a lot of people.” Aaaaand, back to normal.</p>
<p>“Nope, my dick works just fine, thanks! Even when I am drinkin’ whiskey. Which I’m not. Yet.” A crack and then a thud as Reno’s 6 hits the mouth of the corner pocket and rolls away dejectedly. “<em>Fuck</em>.”</p>
<p>“Okay, okay.” Rude circles around the table to the end Reno is on and leans down to line up a shot. Reno watches with low lidded eyes as the heavy muscles of his shoulders and the thick strips of tendon to the sides of his spine slide underneath the dark cotton of his dress shirt while he completes the motion. His 4 lands in the center pocket, and he moves to the side, sets up again more upright this time. Reno has to drag his gaze away from the inviting curve of his ass. Has a thought about wanting to press up against him from behind and kiss his shoulder blades that he tucks away for later. Rude groans in displeasure as 3 balls scatter around the table.</p>
<p>“Aww, sorry golden boy. What happened to you catchin’ up?”</p>
<p>“They were all… wedged in together. I knew it wasn’t going to happen.” He sounds slightly pitiful.</p>
<p>“<em>Come on</em>, Rude. I know you can be more creative than that.” Reno hitches a hip up on the side of the table and lines up for a behind-the-back shot. He arches his back a bit and bites his lip… <strike>seductively</strike> in concentration. He grins wide as his 6 finally finds home. “Somethin’ on your mind?”</p>
<p>“Maybe it’s the beer.”</p>
<p>“You’ve barely had anything yet! You gonna wimp out on me early?” Reno moves to the opposite side of the table where he can see his partner. The song has changed now to one a bit more upbeat and Rude is drumming his fingers on his cue in time to the music.</p>
<p>“Wouldn’t dream of it. I’ll order some fries or something. When I inevitably lose and order our shots.”</p>
<p>“That’s what I like to hear.”</p>
<p>Reno sinks his 7 and glances up as he contemplates his final move. Rude just watches him with the smallest smile on his face, still keeping the beat. “I like this song. Will you send it to me later?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Remind me.”</p>
<p>“And the one before it, too.”</p>
<p> “… Sure thing, partner.”</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>~5~</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>He’d almost done it for real this time.</p>
<p>Rude had been dying in his arms, the both of them covered in Rude’s blood, his own hand trying to stem the flow coming from the hole in Rude’s chest. Rude. His partner. The person he cared about the most. The man he would have died for, who instead, had taken the hit for him.  </p>
<p>Rude had started going pale and Reno was about to crack, not knowing what else to do and only that the heli wasn’t getting there fast enough, and his very limited ability with cure wasn’t cutting it. Rude had looked up at him straight in the eyes, laid his hand over Reno’s and told him that it was okay. Reno’s vision had gotten blurry and he started babbling about how help was coming, how he was going to be alright, just to hold on and stay awake. Rude had just given him that calm look and squeezed his hand and it shook him.</p>
<p>He couldn’t say what his goal would be in telling him. Maybe that it might keep him from going into the light, or some shit? Maybe just that the thought of him dying without knowing how much Reno really cared for him was almost too much? He’d opened his mouth and said the other man’s name, prepared to let out the one true secret he kept from the man and like that, like a spell, the sound of chopper blades in the distance thrumming the air. They landed and got him stable, set up with a transfusion for the trip and slowed the bleeding.</p>
<p>Now, Reno sits by the cot, talking as much or as little as Rude wants to while he slowly regains his color, and the transfusion and gets to work. They’re quiet for a time as Reno leans his elbow on the corner by Rude’s face, fiddling with a corner of the blanket pulled over his partner and wondering if he should just tell him after all. He’s here. He’s going to be okay. Reno was ready to then… What’s the difference now?</p>
<p>‘<em>Hey, Rude. I was gonna say somethin’ out there and… no. Rude, can I tell you something? Maybe. That way he can tell me to fuck off if he wants, I dunno. It’s a long way back to HQ still… If he rejects me I might chance jumin’ into the ocean and swimmin’ home... Just do it. Fuckin’ do it, chicken shit. He deserves the truth</em>.’</p>
<p>“R-Rude, c-can I tell… you…” Reno lifts his eyes again and Rude isn’t conscious. Concern sparks through him for a heartbeat until the slow steady rise and fall of Rude’s chest confirms that he’s only asleep. Reno sighs and rests his chin on his arms. “I’ll take that as a sign.”</p>
<p>Reno glances towards the front to make sure the two medics are still facing front and focused on the sky, and then turns back to his partner. He’s looks peaceful, aside from the stray spat of blood Reno must have missed on his cursory post-care clean up. Couldn’t stand to sit there the whole way home with him covered in it. And Rude had let him. Seemed to understand.</p>
<p>Reno reaches out and slowly runs the knuckles of two fingers from Rude’s chin along his jaw and to the tender spot underneath, pressing slightly. The warm pulsing under his fingers is infinitely comforting. It’s strong and stable, indicative of his returning health. It makes Reno feel like he could drift off himself, now that he knows Rude is going to be alright, adrenaline gone.</p>
<p>Rude shifts suddenly and mutters something in his sleep as Reno withdraws his hand, folding it back under his chin and trying to look natural. If Reno strained though, it almost sounded like Rude said his name. Like, maybe he was dreaming of him. And wasn’t that a nice thought to fall asleep to?</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>~+1~</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Reno lays with his cheek on Rude’s chest, leg slung over his hip, melting into the other’s body as Rude’s fingers trail over his shoulder and into his hair. They’re talking about this and that, everything and nothing. There’s a lull in their conversation, and Reno hears the click of Rude’s mouth opening as if to speak, and then he shuts it again. Reno waits a moment for him to speak, and when he doesn’t, he prods. “… What?”</p>
<p>“Nnn?”</p>
<p>“Sounded like you were gonna say somethin’.”</p>
<p>Rude’s hand stills on Reno’s shoulder. “Yeah. I… want to try something.”</p>
<p>“Oooh? Somethin’ kinky?” Reno wiggles slightly in place, his thigh gliding over Rude’s hip.</p>
<p>Rude holds his free hand up, open and relaxed, where Reno can see it. “Give me your hand?”</p>
<p>Reno raises a brow, puzzled but curious.  “What? Why?”</p>
<p>Rude’s chuckle is a low rumble and it reverberates through Reno, starting from the ear pressed to his chest and down through his whole body. “Because. It’s not the same if I just grab it. Gimme.” He flexes his hand into a fist a couple times and opens it again.</p>
<p>Reno slips his hand tentatively into Rude’s, who curls his around the other. It makes the difference in the size between them boldly apparent here. Rude squeezes and bounces their hands lightly. “It’s not so bad, right?”</p>
<p>Rude shifts his grip so that their fingers are interlaced. Reno doesn’t react at first, not because he’s unaffected, but because he’s short circuiting.</p>
<p>They’ve had sex, they’ve told one another how they felt, albeit infrequently especially on Reno’s part. But it was hard. It was hard for him to put into words. Hard for him to put out into the ether. He was better with action. The physical stuff. But he’d never really done ‘intimacy’ before. He’d thought he was getting better with it. Not that he was forcing himself to for Rude’s sake, but because he enjoyed it too. Every second of it. Here he was laying on Rude and talking instead of pulling his pants on as quickly as possible and leaving. But then, this. This is the first time they’ve done <em>this</em>.</p>
<p>Rude presses his cheek to Reno’s crown, contending with his hair, seems to sense that there’s something deeper in the silence and waits for Reno’s words to pick up the slack.</p>
<p>Reno stares at their hands, feels the warmth. No gloves. Just skin to skin. Something about it makes his heart stutter and his face heat up. His mind starts to catch up. ‘<em>You’re so… I... I love</em>-‘</p>
<p>And then so does his mouth. “I love you.”</p>
<p>A beat of silence, as if Rude wasn’t quite expecting <em>that</em>. He opens his mouth to respond, but Reno pops up and props himself on his elbow so that he can see Rude and speak straight to him, and again, those eyes staring directly back into his. Soft and doting and impossibly warm. In similar moments, outside of the physical distraction of sex, Reno had looked away. Away from all the honesty in that gaze.</p>
<p>He won’t look away this time. He steadies himself, going from slightly catatonic to animated.</p>
<p>“Rude, I… I know I say shit all the time, but it’s true. And you’re gorgeous. And super suave and graceful, handsome… and… and… you drive me <em>crazy</em>. I-in the best way. Like, <em>really</em>. I dunno how else to explain it.”</p>
<p>Rude smiles so open and honest, rattles their still clasped hands for emphasis. “Years of partnership and this is all it takes for you to finally say everything you’re thinking?”</p>
<p>“No! I-it wasn’t just that! It’s just…” Reno feels his cheeks burning and puts his head down, forehead resting on Rude’s pec. “… you <em>know</em> me. I don’t talk about <em>deep</em> shit like that all the time. And it’s kinda hard for me ‘cus I really do give a shit and I don’t wanna mess it up. I… I wanted you for so long, and now you’re here. I don’t wanna keep it in anymore.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to. You won’t mess it up. That's impossible.” Rude pets wild red tufts gone awry from being plastered to his chest, and the pillows before that.</p>
<p>Reno lifts his head again. “You’re so <em>important</em>. And I love you. I know I’ve said that before too, but I need you to know how much I mean that. I’ve never said it to anyone before you. <em>Ever</em>. I <em>need</em> you to know that.”</p>
<p>“I know.” Rude pulls their hands up to his lips and kisses Reno’s knuckles. “I believe you. I do. I love you too.”</p>
<p>“If somethin’… happened to either one of us out there and I hadn’t-” Rude interrupts him with a shush as he moves his free hand to Reno’s cheek.</p>
<p>“Even without you saying it, I knew. It’s still good to hear though.” Reno sighs and leans into Rude’s hand, nuzzling closer as the other stroked gently with his thumb. After some moments, the side of Rude’s mouth lifts in a smirk. “And now I know that your true kink is handholding.”</p>
<p>Reno’s eyes narrow and he turns to bite into the meat of Rude’s hand. It’s playful, but his exaggerated canines get his literal point across, and Rude lets out a surprised “Gah”</p>
<p>Mood lightening achieved. </p>
<p>“Oh, shut <em>up</em>. Fuckin’ jerk. I open up and tell you my little feelin’s and you <em>tease</em> me.”</p>
<p>“No, not teasing. I just wanted to hold your hand and it was an unexpectedly cute result.”</p>
<p>“Oh, really. Cute.” Reno shifts up to hands and knees and moves up Rude’s body, straddling him and settling over his hips.</p>
<p>“Yup.”</p>
<p>“Guess I have to save my reputation then. Convince you otherwise.”</p>
<p>“I think that would be an exercise in futility.”</p>
<p>“Tch, maybe I need to get tough. Bite for real.” Reno lowers himself down and bites Rude’s lower lip. He pulls it slightly and releases it, but stays close.</p>
<p>Rude sounds unthreatened as his hands slide down Reno’s body to rest on his ass. “Ooh, I see.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, you forget I have the catbird seat.”</p>
<p>“The <em>what</em>?” Rude squeezes. “Is that what <em>this</em> is?”</p>
<p>Reno smiles wide and bites his own lip. “<em>Fuck</em> you. I don’t know what the fuck it <em>is</em>, but it means I have the upper hand. Like the fact that <em>I’m</em> on top of <em>you</em> and am very close to your dick if I wanna do somethin’ sinister.”</p>
<p>“You wouldn’t do that. You like it too much.”</p>
<p>“You got me there.” Reno wiggles his hips against Rude and brings their lips together in a kiss, sliding his tongue into his mouth while Rude winds his arms around Renos back.</p>
<p>Reno doesn’t quite get tough. They make love again, seated with Reno in Rude’s lap, face to face and lavishing each other with kisses and secret murmurings. He comes whimpering as Rude professes his love and sucks marks onto his throat. And that’s okay, too. There’s a time for bravado, and a time for letting go. He’s starting to be okay with that.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>~Bonus, Rude POV~</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>One evening, on one of their few nights off, they stand in plainclothes and wait for a seat at their favorite noodle joint. Almost imperceptibly, Reno’s fingers brush against Rude’s, hanging limply at his side. It could be explained away by them just having stepped too close, if it weren’t for the difference in their height. Reno had to have reached for him from where he stood to Rude’s flank.</p>
<p>Rude doesn’t address it. Only stretches his hand out from where it was, fingers outstretched. Reno almost instantly slips his hand into Rude’s and steps closer, pressing his face into his shoulder. Rude uses his free hand to sandwich Reno’s between his own and strokes his knuckles. He speaks softly in the modest privacy of their chosen corner. “You good?”</p>
<p>A mumble. “Mmm”</p>
<p>“Tired?”</p>
<p>“Mmm”</p>
<p>“Hungry?”</p>
<p>“Mmmmmmm”</p>
<p>Rude smirks to himself. “Me, too.”</p>
<p>“Mm mm.”</p>
<p>“Hmm?”</p>
<p>Reno pulls his mouth away from Rude’s coat, just enough to speak. “Love you.”</p>
<p>“Love you, too.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Are at least as deep as the Pacific Ocean</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This chapter is the flipside of the first. What Rude is going though in the same situations. I removed some parts of dialog so as not to be too repetitive.</p>
<p>Editing on benadryl so sorry for any mistakes lol</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>
    <em>~1~</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Rude takes a seat on the bench nearby one of their favorite lunch spots as his partner wanders back and forth. Not quite pacing and not quite standing. Milling about. His fidgety, aggravating, atypical, formidable… goodhearted, fine boned, off-beat but… extremely attractive partner.</p>
<p>At times Rude would grumble complaints, but with even the more negative things, he was starting to not mind so much. His mannerisms and such had become more endearing as Rude started to recognize them, and they were working together largely instead of against each other. Even then, he’s quite content with the fact that he’s slowly, but surely, wanting to be much more than partners.</p>
<p>Rude just sits and watches as Reno leans against the wall next to the bench, then pushes away, walks here and there, and then stops and stands facing away with his gloved hands resting on his hips. He’s like this in public especially. In more private situations he’ll fidget sitting at least, sometimes in bizarre positions. At first, Rude thought it was strange. Now it fills him with an odd sense of familiarity. It seems to be a sign of Reno’s growing comfort with him, which he takes as a feat in and of itself.</p>
<p>As Rude is watching Reno’s back, a breeze sweeps up the street and catches him off-guard until a sharp pain halts him and keeps him from opening his eye. He pulls off his shades and tries to dislodge whatever got in there, but damn if it doesn’t feel like a shitton more than it probably is. “Oh, ffsh-shit. Ahh…”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Something in my eye… fuck.”</p>
<p>“You need help?”</p>
<p>Rude can hear Reno step closer and he waves his hand, trying to signal that he’s alright. “No, I… I think I… ngh…” He tries not to rub at it, but pain reflexively draws his hand.</p>
<p>“Come on, I promise I won’t poke your eye out or somethin’. Stop rubbin’ it! You’re gonna make it worse.”</p>
<p>Reno’s voice is closer now. Rude cracks the lids of his good eye and squints up at him. When were they last near a sink today? “Your hands are probably filthy.”</p>
<p>“So is whatever the fuck is in your eye! Don’t be a baby and lemme see!”</p>
<p>“Gaaah…”</p>
<p>Rude groans and begrudgingly pulls his hands away from his face so that Reno can take a look. After some difficulty getting his eye opened, Reno has him look this way and that to try and find the offender. Rude has to look up towards the plate, but he’s obviously aware of how close Reno is. Gods, he smells good. Rude wouldn’t even have far to go to lean forward and press his face against his chest. Breathe him in. ‘<em>Stop it. Control yourself. Don’t make him uncomfortable.</em>’ he chides himself.</p>
<p>“Found it. Don’t. Move.” Despite Rude’s complaints Reno is surprisingly delicate with him. He uses careful, soft pressure, doesn’t poke.</p>
<p>“It’s ‘cus you have too many fuckin’ eyelashes.” Reno holds the offender on a fingertip for Rude to see and then he looks back at Reno and they both freeze. At some point during the extrication, Rude’s hands had subconsciously landed on Reno’s slender waist to steady him. There’s taught, lean muscle there, flexing under Rude’s fingers through the layers of his clothes. Strength. Though somehow Rude’s hands almost manage to encircle it completely. Reno is still perched with one knee on the bench and this close it’s easy to see the way the blue and green swirl together in his eyes, how thick and his own lashes are.</p>
<p>Their number is called, and it sinks in <em>where</em> Rude’s hands are. He doesn’t know how long he’s been staring at his partner, but it feels like longer than cordial. ‘<em>Control. Control. Control</em>.’ He releases Reno at the same time the other steps back and Rude takes the opportunity to put his shades back on to cloak himself. “You’re one to talk.”</p>
<p>“Uh, y-yeah. I guess so. Whatever.” Reno rubs the side of his neck and his gaze darts around, avoiding Rude’s face now.</p>
<p>‘<em>Way to weird out your partner. Real smooth</em>.’ “Thank you, though.”</p>
<p>Reno turns toward the booth and while he can’t see his face, Rude feels like he can sense the unease in his partner’s silhouette and the shape of his shoulders. “Don’t mention it. I’ll, uh, get our food. Wait here.”</p>
<p>He makes his way over to the booth and Rude just closes his eyes and takes a couple deep breaths. He slips his fingers under his shades to rub at his eyes in an attempt to push away whatever lewd thoughts are still lingering at the front of his mind so that they can just have lunch and move on with the day. Too bad the mental images are deeper than that. He’s finding out that Reno isn’t something he can brush aside, not even for a moment.</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>~2~</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Rude walks out from the depths of the now quiet building into the entryway to the smell of tobacco smoke. It’s not the right brand, but he follows it anyway. Cleanup is largely done, now they’re just waiting for the sun to fully set so they can leave with the truck containing any evidence under the cover of dark.</p>
<p>The entryway itself is dry, while most everything past that had gotten soaked, including the both of them, thanks to the sprinkler system. Rude looks down as he walks and finds himself also following a trail of wet, bare footprints across the concrete, away from the lit entryway. He sets his own boot next to one of the prints and the size difference between them is… charming somehow. Rude grins to himself.</p>
<p>He finds Reno out in the dusk with the sun only barely visible over the horizon, casting in shifting colors across the sky. Reno faces away and the sparse light from the setting sun shines through his damp hair in a fiery halo, the smoke curling up from his cigarette only compounding the effect.</p>
<p>The long hair at the base of his skull was so long now, hanging down just past his shoulder blades where, when they met, it had been cropped short. Rude didn’t know what had possessed him to start growing out only that part, but it had become a staple in Reno’s look and one that Rude had grown to love. As Rude shoulders out of his jacket, he remembers a time when he had been helping his partner change a bandage on the back of his shoulder the day after a difficult mission and the strands had draped down over the pale expanse of his back. He’d had to take a deep breath to steel himself before he brushed it aside with his fingertips.</p>
<p>He moves out to hang his jacket over the railing next to Reno’s and slips out of his boots. Takes a long weary sigh as he begins rolling up his sleeves.</p>
<p>Missions like these had long since become commonplace, but their reactions to them would vary. Typically, adrenaline would keep them moving and training would keep them going after that until they were safe back at HQ. Others, like today, they would have to spend so long on location that all that would fade out into exhaustion. It was a flaw of being human they supposed. It could, of course, also make them introspective. Relief of their safety could some in the shadow of a narrowly dodged bullet or the swipe of a blade.</p>
<p>These would commonly be the nights that they might spend the evening together, hitting the noodle shop or playing pool or falling asleep on a couch watching movies because at least it’s a distraction. He wanted to get close, put his arms around his partner. Feel his warmth and vitality and just sink down together in a sleepy pile. But that would be overstepping. Reno had no problem flirting to show his interest, but results would show that that wasn’t Rude. Hugging your platonic work partner from behind and nuzzling his hair wasn’t usually seen as appropriate, no matter what the two of you had been through.</p>
<p>By the time his sleeves are up the sun is no longer visible, leaving them in darkness with only the muted shades of the sky lighting their profiles from behind. Reno holds out a box of cigarettes with one poking up from the top of the package, which Rude takes with a grateful hum. “You got a light? My matches got soaked.”</p>
<p>Rude sees him shake his head, not entirely due to his ember bobbing back and forth in the dark. “Mine too. Found ‘em on one of the lookouts. Only had one match though. Here.”</p>
<p>He leans forward and Rude does as well, the flare of the embers illuminating their faces for a few bare moments and Rude’s gaze catches on a few bare details before it dies down again. It was nothing that Rude wasn’t already <em>very</em> familiar with, of course. But he still can’t get enough. It’s everything. It’s the contrast in his fair skin and the sanguine and the dark of his lashes. The exaggerated shape of his cupid’s bow that caused a pout, even when he wasn’t trying. After being in the building his hair is damp and relaxed, hanging down to the sides of his face. Rude feels warm, not only because of the balmy evening and despite the water dropping their temperatures. Reno has that effect on him, whether he knows it or not.</p>
<p>Seeing him in such a way is an uncommon treat. He put effort into looking a certain way, it was nice to see him undone, just a little. It made it a little bit easier for Rude to imagine what it might be like to wake up next to him. Be there when he got out of the shower, get in close, feel how soft those lips must be. Something like that.</p>
<p>As Reno runs his fingers through his hair to push it back, they turn back to the horizon and continue their smokes in silence. At the moment, the little fantasies and the thoughts of how they were to spend the rest of their night are helping keep the absolute mess inside and the danger far from Rude’s mind. And by Reno’s calm demeanor, he can hope that he is having similar experience. At least until the cigarettes are gone and the sky has gone only dark blue. Then they will get back to work.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>~3~</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Rude is woken by a series of sounds. A small fwump, some scurrying, and then something hitting his coffee table hard enough to rattle it. Perhaps more concerning than this series of sounds, was the fact that after such a hit, there was no exclamation. Just a sound that could only be described as a wibble. Rude blinks in the dim light as Reno seems to slide off the table and keeps moving towards the bathroom.</p>
<p>Uh-oh.</p>
<p>Rude gets upright and when Reno doesn’t close the door, he follows. When they drink, Reno gets hung over, but doesn’t <em>usually</em> get sick. But they don’t <em>usually</em> have tequila.</p>
<p>Oh, no.</p>
<p>Rude enters the room to find him doubled over, and quickly collects the hair at his nape to hold it back. He gently strokes down Reno’s spine and eventually he stills, save for the sharp, ragged breaths that stretch the ribs under Rude’s hand. They do get more stable, and he takes one deep, slow breath as he hits the flusher and turns to sit.</p>
<p>The strands slide through Rude’s fingers as Reno pulls away and his instinct is to shift to that he can keep touching them. Instead, he crouches down where he can see his downcast face. “You good?”</p>
<p>“Yeah jus’… hot. Think I’m done for now.”</p>
<p>“Don’t move.” Rude retrieves a towel and dampens it with cool water and when he turns back, Reno has indeed not moved. Rude pushes the hair back from his forehead and dabs the towel over him. Reno’s skin is clammy and he’s somehow paler than usual, but he tilts his head back with a sigh and he seems to shiver at the touch.</p>
<p>Amidst his motions, Rude stews at himself. He should have known better than to let him have that much knowing he’d never had it before. And now he was sick. Rude’s <em>own</em> negligence had <em>made</em> him sick. Great.</p>
<p>Rude had had his bottle of ‘the good shit’ hidden away in the back of the cabinet, but Reno being Reno had found it and wanted to try it, especially after hearing what Rude called it. It was one that he was saving for a special occasion, but if he was being honest, sharing it with Reno on a random Friday was as good an occasion as any. He’d intended to only pour them one each and then get back to whatever they had started with, but then they’d gotten into a movie and the bottle was within reach…</p>
<p>Reno just… He’d <em>really</em> seemed to be enjoying himself. Curled up sitting sideways against the back of the couch, the huge, worn out graphic tee threatening to slide off one shoulder. He’d giggled about something and peeked at Rude from behind one of his hands and smiled so fully. He’d looked so… soft. Happy. Tender and vulnerable and comfortable. Rude had imagined that if he had moved across the couch towards him and crawled into his arms and kissed him that he would be so warm and welcoming. Reno probably could have asked him for anything in that moment and Rude would have split mountains to make it happen. Him asking for more (admittedly hard to find) tequila was but a small request, and by the time Rude realized, they had polished off a good portion of the bottle. Ended up falling asleep on opposite angles of the sectional with no accoutrements, other than the glasses they drank from and Reno clutching a toss pillow to his chest.</p>
<p>Reno released another shaky breath. “Shit… Didn’t even drink that much. I mean, I was drunk. But not <em>that</em> drunk.” He tilts his head back further as Rude brings the towel lower, over the shape of his jaw and down his neck, and then his eyes slip open, foggy as they track up Rude’s face.</p>
<p>“Not your fault. Some people just can’t do tequila. Sorry. I should have slowed you down.”</p>
<p>Reno’s expression doesn’t change, save for the barest lift to one side of his lips. “S’ cute that you think I woulda listened. Don’t let the guilt keep you up at night.”</p>
<p>Rude can’t help but grin at the bare fact. He was absolutely right. Not much could keep Reno from doing something he wanted to. “Yeah, I know.”</p>
<p>He seems to go unfocused again and Rude holds the towel to his cheek as he continues. “Do you want to lay down in the bed? I don’t mind.” He needed to rest and be comfortable, and Rude <em>really</em> didn’t mind. He’d thought of Reno in his bed many times, though under vastly different circumstances. This time, he really did just want to take care of him. Reno drops his eyes and considers the option while Rude watches the slow flutter of his lashes.</p>
<p>“No. If I’m gonna vom, I’d rather accidentally do it on your couch than your bed.”</p>
<p>Rude laughs, half from the deadpan delivery and half from his own relief. “That’s fair. Try and keep it contained to the bathroom if you can help it?” He stands and moves to the bedroom to retrieve an actual pillow and a soft blanket, as well as his cure materia loaded bracer. If Reno is going to take the couch, Rude will try and make sure he’s as comfortable as possible. He starts laying them out on the couch and glances over as Reno shuffles over, limping sightly on the leg that collided with the table. He curls up and Rude pulls the blanket over him, then sits on the far end leaving plenty of space, until Reno stretches out his legs and wriggles his boney toes under his thigh. “You want me to move?”</p>
<p>“No. S’ warm. But I might fall asleep again.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay. Sleep. If you feel up to it when you wake up, I’ll heat up some bone broth or something.”</p>
<p>“…M’kay…” He heaves a deep sigh and snuggles deeper into the pillow, swiftly fading off after that. Rude slips his bracer on and begins to use just a tiny bit of magic over the goose-egg on Reno’s shin, careful not to wake him. After, he lets his hand rest there, occasionally losing himself in the sound of steady, even breaths barely audible over the low audio of the television. He can only hope that it’s as comforting to his partner as it is to himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>~4~</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>As they walk through the door of the bar with hopes of drinks and pool, one of their occasional afterwork rituals, it’s immediately apparent that they won’t have any issue getting a table. There’s a handful of other patrons, none of which are playing.</p>
<p>They order their first drinks, and Reno works his magic on the barkeep to somehow let him control the stereo. By the time he joins Rude at the table, he’s already unbuttoned his shirt even further, only barely concealing his navel.</p>
<p>Reno is… <em>very</em> distracting. Even aside from the loss of a button or two, the cut of his dress shirt accentuates the shape of his torso. Wide shoulders, albeit narrower than Rude’s, which tuck down to a slender waist and hips in a lovely, inverted triangle. All Rude can focus on as he’s trying to play, are those hips swaying gently in his periphery. Reno has been dancing to his choice of music on and off the entire time they’ve been here. A small conversation between his hips and his shoulders, serpentine in motion. Rude has a hard time pulling his eyes away. Can’t help but wonder if his skillful control translates to matters of a more intimate nature.</p>
<p>As a result of all this, Rude’s game is suffering, quite obviously. He hopes his partner can’t tell. He tries his best to keep his face neutral, which isn’t typically an issue for him, even if his mind is going a mile a minute. Watching Reno has a heady effect on him, and even though shots are almost certainly going to be on Rude tonight, he’s in good spirits. The two slide easily into good natured quips and wisecracks and unwinding like this with him is so easy. More than it should be. Rude wouldn’t jeopardize this for anything. Not unless he was sure. He still doesn’t know if Reno knows how he feels in any capacity. If he reciprocates. Part of him is afraid what would happen if he doesn’t.</p>
<p>He tries to turn his brain off and just play, but Shiva’s strap… this particular song isn’t helping. The music is good. Catchy, and obviously Reno’s body didn’t have any trouble finding the beat.</p>
<p>Jeeze… It’s like it could be made up from Rude’s own thoughts. It reminds him of all the ways he wished his partner could be more than that. Rude would sing the lyrics to Reno himself if he thought it would make the difference. Rude didn’t sing in front of almost anyone. Not that he couldn’t. It just felt too personal somehow. Too intimate. But he would for him.</p>
<p>As Rude is lining up his cue, Reno stills. He takes the opportunity and by some miracle, he makes the shot. It rumbles into the pocket and Reno suddenly blurts out a curse. “Fuck. I’m getting more beer. You want?”</p>
<p>Rude’s brows shoot up, surprised more at his success than Reno’s outburst. “Getting cold feet now that I’m catching up?”</p>
<p>“Nah, I’m on fire. <em>You’ll</em> need more fluids for when I smoke you.”</p>
<p>Rude grins to himself. “We’ll see.” He looks up from the table as Reno saunters away and the smirk stays on his face. He watches as Reno leans forward onto the bar and takes a deep breath as the guy sitting in the corner that had been watching Reno since they walked in, gets up and sits on one of the stools his partner is standing between. It’s close, and Reno ends up between the guys legs. It’s obvious what his goal is.</p>
<p>Mmmmmm.</p>
<p>He says something, but Rude doesn’t hear. Can only see as Reno turns to lean backwards instead and looks at him with reserved interest. Reno glances back towards the table and Rude looks away a fraction too late. Fuck. He saw.</p>
<p>When Rude looks back, concealed behind his shades this time, the guy is standing, blocking his viewpoint. Rude looks down at the felt, acting as if he’s thinking about his next move, wringing his hands around his pool cue.</p>
<p>Rude has never been a jealous person. And yet, here he is. Something about Reno brings it out of him.</p>
<p>‘<em>Something? Pretend like you don’t know</em>. <em>Like you don’t think about it every single day. Like you don’t think about </em>him<em> every single day. Like he’s not most of your world.</em>’</p>
<p>He has no claim over Reno. He knows that any jealousy he feels isn’t fair. Not to Reno. Not even to himself. He has no right to feel slighted. Not when Rude himself hasn’t pursued anything. Even still, the thought of <em>this fuck </em>putting his hands on Reno, or more. Reno’s on him in return…</p>
<p>Rude swallows hard. It’s not like Reno hadn’t done it before. He’s seen him leave with people before. It just seemed like every day that passed had Rude’s feelings get stronger and stronger. Thinking about the scenario now left him… empty.</p>
<p>But maybe said fuck was exactly what Reno was looking for tonight. The guy obviously isn’t afraid to make his interest known. Probably doesn’t have anything to lose in this situation, other than maybe some pride. Doesn’t have the possibility of losing his friend, partner, his… cherished. Reno might think he’s more his speed. More his style. As much as Rude hates to admit it.</p>
<p>Reno has every right to leave with whoever he wants. <em>Fuck</em> whoever he wants.</p>
<p>Even stronger than the pangs of jealousy, is the desire to see him happy. Satisfied. Rude wants to be the one to give him that. But if he can’t, and that… man… can give him even a modicum of that for the evening then, well.</p>
<p>The sound of wood splintering startles Rude from his thoughts and he looks down at his cue to see a hairline crack along the middle.</p>
<p>Oh. <em>Shit</em>.</p>
<p>It’s still in one piece, but it’s definitely cracked. Fuck.</p>
<p>He quickly sets the injured cue back on the rack and grabs a new one. He’ll say something to the barkeep on the way out. Leave him some extra money. <em>Shit</em>. He heaves a sigh. ‘<em>Get a grip. Breaking things… I thought you grew out of that.</em>’</p>
<p>He’s chalking the new cue as Reno comes back over and hands him a beer while he does his best to be neutral and not look like he just accidentally destroyed private property. “Don’t let me keep you.”</p>
<p>Reno circles the table and cuts his eyes over at Rude. “I’m good.”</p>
<p>Rude glances over as Reno’s admirer pulls on his coat and turns towards the door. “You sure? Looks like he’s about to jet. You might be able to catch him.”</p>
<p>Reno tosses his hair back and emphatically says “<em>Not</em> interested” and it makes Rude wonder if he was wrong. Maybe he just said the wrong thing? Rude reminds himself that it’s not his place to speculate. He breathes a not-so-internal sigh of relief. Regardless of the reason, Reno chose to stay here with him. It automatically flips his mood back to effervescent, content. A smile curls the corner of his mouth as he takes a long sip from his glass. They fall back into their usual banter and Rude thinks that he doesn’t need any more than this. Just to be near him… feels so right.</p>
<p>Rude’s game still continues to suffer however, and he’s even more distracted than he was earlier. It’s no wonder, when Reno sits on the table and leans back slightly to make a show shot behind his back, sinks a fang into his bottom lip.</p>
<p>To be able to lay him back on that table… Slide in between his thighs… Pop the remaining buttons off his shirt and worship a trail from that lip down into his slacks.</p>
<p>A grin then as he… sinks a ball, Rude guesses. He wasn’t paying that much attention. Could barely concentrate when it was his turn. Reno’s voice is smooth when he speaks. “Somethin’ on your mind?”</p>
<p>“Maybe it’s the beer.” It’s <em>definitely</em> not the beer. It’s more like his mood is so positive that the prospect of winning doesn’t even matter anymore. His brainpower is taken up tonight only by good conversation, good music, Reno… Okay, maybe a <em>little</em> beer. But mostly the more former.</p>
<p>“You’ve barely had anything yet! You gonna wimp out on me early?”</p>
<p>Rude watches as Reno leans down on the opposite side of the table to make a shot and his shoulder blades jut up towards the ceiling in such a way that they remind Rude of wings.</p>
<p>“Wouldn’t dream of it. I’ll order some fries or something. When I inevitably lose and order our shots.”</p>
<p>“That’s what I like to hear.” Reno touches the upper corner of his lips with his tongue as he sinks his last ball and then looks up at Rude with a grin. His shirt hangs away from his torso, revealing the rosy bud of a nipple. Rude hides a sigh behind his smile as he taps the beat of the music out on his pool cue. Sighing because he’s about to lose. Definitely. Not because he’s wondering how sensitive said nipple is. Or if it might feel like hard candy in his mouth, or a caramel.</p>
<p>“I like this song. Will you send it to me later?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Remind me.”</p>
<p>“And the one before it, too.” ‘<em>The one that was like a cold read of my thoughts</em>.’</p>
<p> “… Sure thing, partner.”</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>~5~</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Rude had acted on pure instinct and impulse. He’d seen the barrel of a gun pointed at his partner and within fractions of a second his body was moving to cover him.</p>
<p>Just pushing Reno out of the way would have taken too long. Pulling the pistol in his jacket would have taken too long. Anything in his reach that he could have fucking <em>thrown</em> would have taken too long.</p>
<p>So, he’d stepped.</p>
<p>He’d felt the impact in his chest as he reached into his jacket for his gun, neutralized the target, and felt himself falling. Falling into Reno’s arms. He was jostled slightly and then he could hear the joints in Reno’s hand pop with the effort as he pressed Rude’s kerchief into the wound. But it wasn’t quite enough. All too quickly his chest was warmer than it should be, and his wet shirt, wet with his own blood clung to him.</p>
<p>Reno was talking very fast. Almost too fast for Rude to comprehend. A chopper was contacted and he attempted cures. Did his best to keep Rude conscious. Became increasingly more distressed as time passed.</p>
<p>Struck with the need to comfort him, Rude laid his hand over Reno’s on his chest and told him that it was okay.</p>
<p>And it <em>was,</em> after all, his job. Reno was the second in command, higher priority. Even aside from that though, Rude had decided a long time ago that if he had a way to save Reno in any situation, he would do it. Whatever the cost. If it kept him alive, then it was worth it.</p>
<p>Even as he felt his consciousness slipping, he could see Reno so clearly. All that red against the white/blue of the sky. Could see the tears building and making the turquoise of his eyes quaver slightly, like a tidepool by the sea back home where Rude was born. And Rude just stared. Tried to take in every detail of his face, as if he didn’t know them already. Wanted it to imprint there if his vision failed him. Had every intention of making that face the last thing he saw if it all ended here. Only when he was physically removed from Reno’s arms as he was moved into the chopper and stabilized did he have to look away.</p>
<p>And then he was there again to the side of the cot, focused and intense as he wiped away as much blood as he could from the both of them. Rude wants to tell him not to worry about it, that he doesn’t have to. But as he watches the furrow in his brow ease slightly as the pile of medical wet wipes on the floor next to him grows larger, he refrains. If it eases Reno’s mind, even a bit, he’ll let him. It also serves to distract Rude from thinking about what would have happened had he not taken the hit. As a man who has seen countless times what bullets can do to a person, trying desperately not to juxtapose those mental pictures over that of his partner. Judging by where the hole was in his own chest, how Reno was standing, and the trajectory it would have hit… ‘<em>No. Don’t do that. He’s here. He’s okay. He’s right in front of you. Focus on the freckles across his nose and the variance of color in his eyes and the flush on his cheeks and the warmth of his hands</em>.’</p>
<p>When Reno finally just sits down and lays on his forearm the tension has largely drained from him and he looks exhausted. It’s understandable, considering everything he’d gone through on the ground.</p>
<p>Reno didn’t get upset. Not like that. He could be a hothead, for sure. But the desperate emotion on him in that moment was shocking. And as much as it disturbed Rude, it also warmed his heart. The undeniable tremor in Reno’s voice as he tried to keep Rude awake was something that hadn’t left him, despite him being on the cusp on consciousness at any given moment. Rude just hoped Reno wouldn’t blame himself. ‘<em>Who are you kidding? Of course, he’s going to. If you’d died, he’d wear that on his back for the rest of his life. But… at least he’d be alive</em>.’</p>
<p>Even looking at him now, as he threaded the corner of the wool blanket between his fingers, he was lost in there. In the dark corners of his mind where he kept all his guilt and self-doubt. Getting him to talk about it was like pulling fangs from a behemoth. But it was plain for Rude to see when he was stuck there.</p>
<p>Rude would do his best to… to reassure him. As soon as… as he could… stay awake…</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>He slips into unconsciousness, and shortly thereafter, into a dream. A dream that’s familiar, reminiscent of the situation on the ground. Rude himself laying with his head and shoulders being cradled in Reno’s lap. Reno backlit by the sun.</p>
<p>But at the same time, it’s different. Now Reno is smiling. His hair is longer, still mostly red, but it lays in that loose, cozy way like when he hasn’t styled it and it drifts dreamily in the breeze around his chin and his shoulders. His eyes crinkle at the corners with his smile, just a bit more than they do now. He’s still every bit as stunning as he ever was.</p>
<p>Rude is vaguely aware that it must be a fever dream, borne of his subconscious recognizing his almost and still possible death and trying to put him at peace. He can’t control his body. It’s more like he’s watching a movie in first-person perspective than actually experiencing a dream.</p>
<p>Reno begins to speak, and his voice sounds far away, ethereal. “<em>Welcome back to the world, big guy. You fell asleep. That’s s’posed to be my job, yo</em>.” He strokes Rude’s face, fingertips running over his jaw and then lingering on the side of his neck. Rude can feel the warmed metal of a ring on one finger as it glides over his skin.</p>
<p>“<em>Mmm</em>” Rude reaches up to squeeze that hand outside of his own control and then there’s a voice that he recognizes as his own, sounding muzzy from sleep and so satisfied. “<em>How are you more and more beautiful every time I open my eyes, Reno?</em>”</p>
<p>“<em>You tryin’ to be slick with me, old man</em>?” The tease is his voice is as tantalizing as the smirk across his lips.</p>
<p>“<em>Nope. Just the truth</em>.”</p>
<p>“<em>Mhmmm</em>.” He toys with the scruff on Rude’s chin with grease-stained fingers.</p>
<p>“<em>But is it working?</em>”</p>
<p>“<em>Mhmmm.</em>”</p>
<p>“… <em>We should get back to the shop, shouldn’t we?</em>”</p>
<p>“<em>The shop can wait a few more minutes</em>.”</p>
<p>As Reno leans down over him to press their lips together, Rude is struck with the thought that he would have to find a way to thank his subconscious later. It was a very, <em>very</em> nice dream.</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>~+1~</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>When Rude asks to hold Reno’s hand, he’s not sure what he expects to happen. They hadn’t done that one very simple action outside of fleeting brushes of skin, or other much more platonic actions and Rude wanted to try to break that barrier. When Reno pops his head up from Rude’s chest and tells him exactly what he’s thinking, how he feels, at first all he can do is smile.</p>
<p>He knew in his heart, in his mind, and in everything that he was that Reno loved him. They’d said it once before, but up to this point it was apparent that he didn’t always know how to say it. But Rude knew. Now that they had come to this aspect of their relationship, looking back, it had been so apparent. All this doesn’t stop it from making his heart skip several beats as Reno looks at him, so serious. Words so sincere and direct.</p>
<p>Reno gets bashful for a moment and hides his face, but then he lifts it again and he actually keeps talking, every bit as earnest as before. “<em>You’re so important. And I love you. I know I’ve said that before too, but I need you to know how much I mean that. I’ve never said it to anyone before you. Ever. I need you to know that</em>.”</p>
<p>He starts talking about the what-ifs, and the emotion is plainly visible on him. These things are hard for him, and seeing his expression turn dark with guilt and regret makes Rude’s protective spirit spring forward to attempt to distract him. Redirection. Don’t dwell on the past. Focus on this. On us.</p>
<p>Their back-and-forth banter melts away the negative air that had fallen over them, and slowly the slight tremble that had begun to come upon him steadies as well.</p>
<p>His confidence returns as he straddles Rude’s hips and suddenly all is right with the world. At least they can pretend it is. They’re just two people, happy and in love, enjoying one another and holding one another. They can pretend that when they fuck, it’s with the fervent desperation of two people finally seeing each other after a long separation, and not like two people that might never see each other again after tomorrow.</p>
<p>Rude scoots back to sit against the headboard and Reno stays on him, riding him as Rude’s hands slide all the way up Reno’s back, slowly, up over his shoulder blades and coming together at the nape of his neck. Reno’s breath hitches and he tilts his head back into Rude’s grip as it moves up into his hair and he squeezes, pulling slightly. Rude’s words start measured and thorough, telling him all the ways that he’s loved and appreciated and wanted, then devolving into fragments in between the movements of his lips and tongue against Reno’s throat. The desperate whimpers and moans as Reno comes are among the sounds Rude hopes stay locked in his brain for the rest of his life.  </p>
<p>After they are through Rude excuses himself to the restroom and by the time he comes back, Reno is already fast asleep on his stomach, face turned to the side, half buried in the pillows. Rude carefully lays down on his back and within arm’s reach, wanting to gather Reno into his arms but not willing to risk waking him when he looks so comfortable.</p>
<p>He looks over at the other’s sleeping face and is reminded of all the time he had spent during their career together admiring him when he was resting. He’s always striking, but when he’s asleep it’s different. Softer. Peaceful.</p>
<p>Before they finally crossed this barrier in their relationship, of all the times he had imagined this occurring, he never entertained the fact that it might actually happen. To be able to wake up next to him, lie down and fall asleep holding him.</p>
<p>Reno had told him before that he slept better when Rude was there, that his nightmares came less frequently, as did his nighttime spontaneous get-up-and-move wakeups. Rude himself was a light sleeper but didn’t have as much trouble actually sleeping as long as it was quiet. But even he found himself resting easier with Reno with him. Less on edge. The mornings somehow more rejuvenating.</p>
<p>Reno grumbles in his sleep and the hand curled by his face stretches out, slithering firmly under Rude’s back, up to the wrist before he stills again. That familiar, tender warmth spreads through Rude’s chest and he sighs contentedly.</p>
<p>If he can give any amount of peace to this man, then everything else is worth it. If Rude’s love can be the catalyst, then that’s just icing on the cake. He knows he doesn’t have to keep it secret anymore. Not that he ever truly did.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I think the most logical conclusion for the +1 part would have been their first confession to each other, but I’ve been working on that separately, so I didn’t want to be redundant.<br/>I do feel like it takes Reno a while to get to where he can confidently tell Rude how he feels on the regular. The +1 takes place during that time when he’s trying to get used to that whole thing.</p>
<p>Thank you for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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